Frivolity
by Calculated Artificiality
Summary: Sometimes, the frivolous things are just as important as the important things. Mulder and Scully get to know the 'frivolous' things about one another, and somehow get to a deeper issue.
1. Chapter 1

Because I'm on summer break and I have nothing to do but run on the treadmill and watch Celebreality and Celebrity Poker and the occasional show on Court TV, I've once again taken up the art of writing fanfiction in order to appease my boredom.

Okay, so, that being said, this is nothing serious in the slightest. It's just a little fun, I hope.

Natalie

* * *

Mulder sat at his desk looking out the tiny window of the basement. He could see snow all around, but not much else. He shivered a little—normally the chill didn't affect him that much, but today was really cold. 

He checked the thermometer, the one that told the temperature outside.

"Wow, Scully, it's colder than a well-digger's ass out there!"

Scully looked up from her computer, a slight smile playing on her lips, "What did you say?" she questioned.

"What? I said it's…"

"Colder than a well-digger's ass, yes, I heard you Mulder, but where on earth did you hear that phrase?"

"Come on, Scully, you mean you've never heard that phrase before? You know, because… at the bottom of a well, it's cold, and well…"

Scully laughed a little "No, I understand it's validity Mulder. That is one thing you need not try to force me to believe. For there is no doubt in my mind that a well-digger's ass would be cold."

"Whoa, there's something you don't hear everyday, 'no doubt in Scully's mind'."

"Ha-Ha. Yeah, it's right up there with 'well-digger's ass'."

Mulder shook his head "I can't believe you've never heard that, Scully. What do you say?"

She returned to her typing "Well, Mulder, normally I just say 'it's cold'."

"Oh, come on! I know you have one that you use on occasion, when you're walking around outside feeling like your nose is going to fall off!"

She laughed, amused at his indignation that she did not have 'one.' Then, she smiled, remembering something her father used to say when it was freezing outside. "Okay, I guess I kind of have one."

"A-ha! I knew it! Well, what is it?"

"Well, my dad always used to say that it was 'colder than a witch's…'" She trailed off.

"Ahhh… The good ol' witch's tit."

Scully made a face and Mulder laughed.

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, she typing her report, he searching through case files. It felt nice, this random conversation between them. Everything around them was always so heavy—they were constantly knee-deep in something—an X-File, a conspiracy, a near death experience—that they rarely had time to just talk. Explore one another on a lighter level.

They already knew all the deep things about one another—what emotions they felt, feared, and tried not to feel. They knew the important things—they never wasted time on the frivolous things such as witch's tits or well-digger's asses. But, sometimes, the frivolous things can be the most important—sometimes they do matter, when it's an issue of closeness.

Scully sighed as she put the finishing touches on her report. She always hated days like these. Well, they were kind of a double edged sword. She hated when they just sat in the office all day, but she loved that she got to spend time with just Mulder.

She saved her report and turned her computer off.

"Well, Mulder, I guess I'm done." She said as she headed towards her coat.

"So soon?" He questioned, looking up from his file.

"Yeah, I'm a speed demon, what can I say?" She reached for her coat and began to slip it on.

He chuckled, and started to say good-bye. But, then, another thought occurred to him. And he wasn't ready to be alone again just yet. "Hey, Scully, you sure you want to go out there?"

"Um, pretty sure, why?"

"Well, I was just thinking that it would be a shame for an ass such as yours to be as cold as a well-digger's. That just doesn't seem right."

She smiled "Well, I can't see that I have a choice, Mulder." She said, then "My car's out there" she said conspiratorially, while pointing out the window.

"Oh, but you do have a choice!"

"And what choice is that?"

"You could stay in here… with me!" He said, jabbing a finger at his chest as though he were what was behind door number 2.

She laughed. "Uh-huh. I'm listening." She definitely liked the sound of that, as she had long since resigned to the fact that she would spend eternity lusting after her gorgeous partner. Okay, not lusting…. Loving. Loving after? That wasn't right. But, oh well, that's what she was doing.

"Well… we could play a game or something." He said, off the top of his head.

"Sorry, Mulder, but I forgot my Monopoly bored at home."

"Well, I brought mine." He said, then winked at her. "As much as I'd like to monopolize your ass, Scully, that's not the kind of game I was thinking of."

"Okay… what kind of game, then?"

He thought for a minute before he spoke. "Well, not like a game, I guess… just… we could ask each other stuff."

She raised an eyebrow. "Stuff? What kind of stuff?"

Mulder smiled "Just little things, like, things that aren't important, but also things we don't know. You know… just stuff."

Hmmm, she didn't know if she liked the sound of that. Mulder-time was a plus, but she wasn't sure if this would be a wise decision on her part.

"I don't know Mulder…" she said, cautiously.

"Oh, come on Scully! It'll be fun… and you'll be considerably warmer for awhile longer… maybe things will even heat up while we're playing." He said, hopefully. He wanted to know the little things about Scully.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure it'll be like California in the summertime in a matter of minutes." She shook her head.

He smiled a big cake-eating grin. "Please?" he said, with all the enthusiasm of a little child on Christmas morning asking if he could just kick the new soccer ball in the house just this once as long as he didn't break anything.

She sighed. She couldn't resist him in cute mode. Not that she could ever resist him, mind you—but especially in cute mode. "Fine, Mulder." She said, slipping her coat back off and back onto the coat rack.

He brought his elbow down to hi abdomen in a gesture that made clear that said kid had just scored the World Cup goal on Christmas morning.

Scully walked back over to her desk, sat down, and leaned back a little. Mulder put his feet up on his desk. "Okay, Mulder, so, who goes first?"

"I will, since you so kindly gave in." He smiled. "Um, what's your favorite color?"

"Lavender. What's yours?"

"Blue. But, you can't do that."

"Can't do what?" She questioned.

"Just take my question and re-ask it. That's not fair."

"But what if I want to know the answer to the same question?" she asked, not liking this rule. She hated coming up with questions like that. When she was a girl she had always been the worst at coming up with truth or dare questions.

He thought for a moment. She did have a good point. "Well, then you can ask the question at a different time—just not then. You have to come up with an original question. Oh, and remember, this game will tank if we don't elaborate—I'll let you decide if you want to be the party pooper. Okay?"

She groaned "Okaaaaay."

"Good. I'll let that one slide, then, since you didn't know the rules."

She stuck her tongue out at him—and he felt his breath catch in his throat. He'd never seen such a childish act be so cute or… sexy. But he immediately refocused his attention to the task at hand. He'd think about tongues, particularly hers, later.

"How old were you when you had your first real kiss and how did it happen?"

Hm, that was kinda personal. But, oh well, I guess that's why they were playing this game.

"I was 15 and that's a compound question." She said, smiling. "Okay, um, how old were you when you had your first serious girlfriend?"

"I was 16 and she was 17, it was the very first time I ever fell in love. I didn't know I was capable of feeling those emotions. Then, you know, she broke my heart. I didn't know I was capable of feeling _those _emotions either." He said, smiling.

"Aw, I'm sorry."

He smiled at the sincerity in her voice. "It was forever and a day ago… so there's no reason to apologize. Anyway, your first kiss. How did it happen?"

"Well, Robert was my first-ever serious boyfriend. He was about three years older than I was…"

"Oooh, Scully…" Mulder said and waggled his eyebrows.

"Shut up. Anyway, we were in the theatre once after rehearsal, and we were saying goodbye, and he leaned down, and I leaned up… and he kissed me."

"Wait, _you_ were in theatre?"

"Yes. Does that surprise you?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I just never pictured you as a theatre-y person. Well, maybe a person who goes to see the plays, but not a person who acts in one."

"Well, I did theatre all four years of high school, and I even did some into college."

"I am shocked and amazed. Were you any good?"

"Wow, shocked _and_ amazed, huh? Yeah, I can say without being conceited that I was pretty good. My acting coach in college said he'd never seen anyone with my emotional range and that I was particularly good because of my vulnerability on stage."

"Vulnerability? You? I don't believe it." He joked with a wink, so she would know it was just that, a joke.

"Ha-ha, very funny. Laugh all you want, Mulder, but I was good."

"Wait a minute…." He said thoughtfully.

"What?"

"I know what's been going on here… all these years…"

He looked at her, wide-eyed, and said: "You really _are_ a believer, aren't you?"

She laughed out loud that time, "Ooh, you caught me."

He laughed, and said "So, theatre, huh? Wow. So, whose turn is it?"

"I do believe it's mine."

"Well, then shoot, G-woman."

She thought long and hard before posing her question. She didn't know if she should go there, they'd only been talking about the past… but, she thought she might as well seize the moment… carpe… the moment. "Mulder, when was the last time you had a girlfriend, and why did it end?"

Mulder fell silent—damn. He hadn't expected her to fast forward a million years. He sighed, and said "Now, _that's_ a compound question."

* * *

Okay, I thought it was fun. You might not have… but I had fun writing it. 

I guarantee you this _will_ go somewhere, and it _will_ be somewhere that ends with a smile.

So, that being said, I'll make like Pat Benatar and ask you to hit me with your best shot (aka: a review) and let me know if you loved it, hated it, wished it would die, or prayed that it had never been born.

But be gentle… that's all I ask of you.

Natalie


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! I'm back with another chapter for this story. Time escaped me on this one, too. Man, I've been slacking. Apologies again!

After re-reading the first chapter, I've noticed some typos (such as 'Monopoly bored' which of course should be 'board') You can attribute those to my absolute refusal to proofread—I know, I should, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It makes me overly critical of myself. If I did proofread, I probably wouldn't post anything, I'd be too self-conscious. So, anyway, know that I am aware of them, I'm not stupid, I'm just self-conscious and lazy. I wonder which is worse….

Anyway! On with the story—hope you enjoy.

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Mulder ran a hand through his hair. This was a tough question. There were so many different answers to this question. Well, no, there were so many different _ways of answering_ this question. All of them led to the same conclusions, of course. He was thoroughly unprepared for this question.

He had expected a few light questions about sports and numbers and colors and the distant past. He hadn't expected this. What was he supposed to do? Lie to her? He couldn't straight out _lie_ to her. Well, he could, but he obviously wasn't going to. He could evade her. That would probably be the best course of action.

She sat in silence, waiting for him to answer. He looked contemplative; he definitely didn't have the panic face on. She wasn't quite sure how to take that. After a couple of minutes, though, she said "Earth to Mulder…Mulder, come in." She thought he was probably reminiscing about some wild love affair with an insanely beautiful and captivating nearly six foot tall woman.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. Right." he said, clearing his throat. He'd almost come up with what he was going to say, but it suddenly left him. "Scully, I don't think I want to answer that question." he said straightforwardly.

"What? Why not?"

"I, uh, I just don't think that it would be a good idea."

"Mulder, are you serious?" she asked, thinking that maybe he was just kidding around.

He looked at her kind of funny. Why would he be joking about something like this? "Yeah, I am."

She looked at him incredulously and shook her head.

"What?" he asked, his tone matching the look she gave him.

"Nothing. It's just that it was your idea to play this stupid game, and now you don't want to answer the question so you change the rules." She said, sounding just slightly like a little child who wasn't getting her way.

"Wow, Scully, way to pout about it." he laughed briefly and then "Look, I just didn't think you were going to get this serious."

"Okay, Mulder, two things. One: asking about someone's first kiss _is_ serious, and you definitely asked me about that. And two, how is my asking about your last girlfriend so much more serious than first kisses?" She asked, making a list on her fingers to help further illustrate her point.

Oh, Mulder thought as he paused for a moment, thinking to himself. That's right, she didn't know _why_ it was asking about his last girlfriend was so serious. She had no idea, in fact. Not a clue in the world. He smiled a bit—wondering what she would say if she only knew. 'It's a good thing she doesn't know' his mind said, 'she'd skin you alive if she did.' The corners of his mouth pulled a little more upwards at that.

"Geeze," Scully said, reading the smiles that came to his face "she was that good, huh?" she muttered under her breath.

Scully's voice broke Mulder out of his reverie "What?"

"Nothing."

"No, what did you say?"

"I said I have to check the oil under my hood." She smiled a little, wondering where the hell had that come from. She couldn't have come up with something a little better?

Mulder's face contorted a little, "That was random and a little weird, but whatever." he said, then shook his head "Whose turn is it?"

"Um, no one's, Mulder, we're not playing anymore."

"We're not?" He questioned, thoroughly confused.

"You refused to answer my question, so game's over." she said matter-of-factly.

"Wow, Scully, 'you didn't answer my question so I'm not playing anymore'? Wow." He laughed wholeheartedly at that.

"Yes." She said smugly, and chuckled a little bit in spite of herself.

"Aw, come on Scully, let's just play a little longer."

She shook her head and started to get up to retrieve her coat.

"But, look at the alternative!" He said pointing his finger to the window.

"Yes, the painful alternative of going home to a nice hot bath and then curling up with a good book with a blanket in front of the fire. Versus sitting in the basement of the FBI playing a watered down version of twenty questions with my crackpot partner." Scully said, rolling her eyes.

He gasped, "Scully, I'm offended." He replied, feigning hurt, "This version of twenty questions is _not_ watered down." He said pointedly with a smile.

"What do you call a game where you only answer questions you _want _to answer, then?" She asked with her hand on her hip.

He grinned, "Selective."

She laughed, as she looked outside. She did want to go home and take a bath, she really did. And she wanted to curl up with her latest book and blanket by the fire. But she also wanted to stay here with him.

"Scully, please. Look, it's colder than a witch's tit out there."

"I was thinking more along the lines of colder than a well-digger's ass, but either one is fine."

He laughed at that, "Please?" he asked again.

She really shouldn't. She really, really shouldn't. She didn't want to play this stupid game in the first place, and she didn't want to play it now. She especially didn't want to play it now, not after she'd seen the look on his face when he was just thinking about his ex-girlfriend.

Oh, God. A thought just occurred to her. What if he wasn't thinking about his ex-girlfriend? What if he _had_ a girlfriend and that's who he was thinking about? And that's why things would have been too serious had he answered.

Maybe he knew how she felt, and he felt sorry for her, so he wanted to spare her feelings because he knew that if he did have a girlfriend it would crush her. Maybe that's why he didn't answer.

She quickly brushed that thought off. She would _know_ if Mulder had a girlfriend. She would know….wouldn't she?

"Helloooo, Scully?" He asked when she didn't respond after a minute or so.

"Yeah?"

"Do you wanna play? Huh, do you?" He questioned with more childlike enthusiasm.

"Are you going to answer my questions when I ask them?"

"Almost assuredly yes."

"Almost?"

"I make no promises, Scully."

"Well, then I play no games."

He laughed "Fine, I agree to answer all your questions. Even that last one you asked me, but later. I'll answer that one later. Now, will you please play?"

She sighed, she knew she wasn't going to be able to resist him. "Fine." She said, then dropped her coat on the chair, "I'll play."

"Okay…" Mulder said rubbing his hands together, "What's your…" He started.

She cut him off "Ah-ah, I don't think so. It's my turn, buddy," she affirmed as she sat down in the chair. "Let's see…what's your favorite song ever?"

"My favorite song…ever? Wow, that's a tough one. There are so many songs…um, I guess I'll go with 'In My Life' by the Beatles."

"Good one. That's a great song." she agreed.

"Okay, what's your favorite book?"

"Easy. Moby Dick. What's your favorite number?"

"1,463." he said without batting an eyelash "Favorite TV show?"

"Friends." she said "Fav…"

"Wait, Scully, did you say 'Friends'?"

"Yeah." she said, shrugging. "What about it?"

"Huh. Nothing, I just don't picture you as a 'Friends' type of gal."

"Well, I am a 'Friends' type of gal. Favorite band?"

"Hootie and the Blowfish." he asserted.

"Figures." She laughed.

"Hootie and the Blowfish are an amazing music anomaly, Scully."

She gawked. "Anomaly? How so? In that every one of their songs sounds exactly alike?"

He smiled, "No. In that they had a number one song with a name like 'Hootie and the Blowfish.' What was the happiest day of your life?" he asked.

"Hm, it hasn't happened yet."

"Good answer."

"I thought so. What's your biggest regret?"

"That I didn't tell my mother how much I loved her when I had the chance. I think people always regret things like that, though."

"You're right," she said "people do regret things like that. I regret that I didn't see my father right before he died. I regret that I didn't tell him I loved him one last time. But, you know, they both knew how we felt about them." she said somberly.

"I'm sure your father did, Scully. I don't know if my mother did. I hardly ever told her things like that. I was so angry for a really long time; I just kind of kept forgetting to completely bury the hatchet. Even when I thought I had, it would rear up at the ugliest of times."

Scully looked at him "Mulder, I'm absolutely sure your mother knew you loved her, even if you didn't say it that often."

He offered a wry smile, and shrugged a little "I'm sure you're right, it's just easy to focus on all the things I would've changed."

"I know." she said, and they both momentarily lapsed into silence.

"What's your biggest fear?" he asked.

"Snakes." she said quickly.

"Bullshit." Mulder said, with a bit of a chuckle.

"Excuse me?" Scully asked.

"You heard me. Bullshit. People always give these cockamamie answers like anybody's supposed to buy it."

"Cockamamie? Mulder, snakes is a legitimate fear!"

"It is. And I'm sure you're terrified of them, but I'm sure it's not your biggest fear. I'm sure you don't lie awake at night worrying about snakes. Asking yourself 'what would I do if I saw some snakes?' or praying that God keep snakes away from you at all times. Am I right?"

He was met with silence.

"Fear is a big taboo in our society, so everyone walks around pretending that their biggest fear is 'snakes' or 'spiders' or 'heights' or 'being alone' or even 'death.' And while all of those fears may indeed be legitimate, most people don't lie awake at night thinking about those things."

"Thank you for that wonderful societal analysis," she said dryly with only a hint of a smile playing on her face "but what, may I ask, is your point."

"My point is that there are some things in this world that just scare the hell out of us. And I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally—things we know we would never be able to deal with were it to actually happen. Those are the things we pray to higher beings about, those are the things that keep us up at night, those are our real fears. The other things are just superficial thoughts to say when someone asks us what we fear. Our real fears are the ones seated so deeply within us that the mere contemplation of them drives us crazy and scares the absolute hell out of us at the same time."

She was silent, again, knowing he was right.

"You know what I'm talking about, don't you?"

"Yeah." was all she said.

"So, my question to you was: what's your biggest fear?"

She swallowed. "What's yours?"

"I'll tell you if you tell me."

She contemplated this for a moment. "I don't know, Mulder…" she hesitated.

"Come on, we'll say it at the same time. We'll count to three and then we'll both just blurt it out."

"I still don't know…"

"It's the perfect way to counteract the societal constraints that keep us from wanting to share these deep fears."

She sighed "Okay."

"Okay, cool. Ready?"

Was she? "As I'll ever be."

"All right," he said "One…"

She breathed in deeply. "Mulder, so help me God, if you don't go on three…"

"I will. I promise." he assured.

"Two…" They both said in unison.

Their eyes locked on one another, both awaiting the third and final number.

"Three…"

A brief pause as they stared intently into each other's eyes.

Only one phrase filled the basement. One voice male, and one voice female spoke in unison: "Losing you."

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To Be Continued.

Okay, guys, hope you enjoyed it. There's probably only about one chapter left, two at most.

This chapter got a little deeper than the first at times, especially considering the title of the entire piece, but you know, it's bound to happen sooner or later.

Anyway, review if you have a chance, I'd appreciate knowing what you think, how you're liking or hating it.

Thanks guys,

Natalie


	3. Chapter 3

Hello everyone! Here is the Final Installment of Frivolity. It is far from frivolous, but with these two, that is almost always the case.

I offer my same stale apologies for not writing sooner, I was traveling around Europe for awhile, and did not have the time to write, but then when I got home the desire to write kept eluding me. It didn't return until I went back and read all of your wonderful reviews.

I must admit that for some reason writing X-Files fanfic is a very emotional experience for me, which becomes even truer as I watch reruns of the show… it almost hurts for me to write about the characters sometimes, so when that happens I try to stay away from the characters. I know how strange that must sound and I apologize for that, too. (come on though, you guys must know I'm somewhat of an oddball by now…. )

Anyway, here it is: the last chapter: )

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"Jinx." Mulder said as he released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

Silence filled the basement as the pair stared at each other, neither one of them sure what should be said next.

"That was intense." Scully finally said.

"Owe me a soda pop."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Okay."

Mulder laughed and reached for Scully's hand "See, that wasn't so hard."

Scully shivered at the contact, the moment they had just shared, the secret they had just revealed seemed too big for words, for anything really, time or space, and she felt cluttered in the basement for the first time in ages, as if the relief filled the air to capacity and she had to struggle to maintain a steady breath pattern, though she knew if she were to take her pulse it would be thready. The moment was simply _too big_.

Scully swallowed, "No, I suppose it wasn't."

Mulder squeezed her hand and then let go. "Are you all right?"

The moment had affected Scully, she was so scared before that saying it would reveal too much, and now, since their secret fear was the same, she wondered in what way he meant it, scared to ask.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It was just a little…intense, that's all."

"Most things are with us." Mulder said, as he smiled at her tenderly.

She laughed a little at that "Isn't that the truth." She hesitated a little before smiling tentatively at him. It wasn't in her nature to be shy, but there had always been something about him that made her second guess herself. "Is that really your biggest fear?"

He smiled again, "I wouldn't have said it otherwise."

She nodded, "I know."

"So, whose turn is it?" Mulder asked, trying to bring them back to their earlier state of comfort. When he had told Scully his fear he had meant to confess to her, but now he wasn't so sure it was a good idea. She seemed a bit on edge, which isn't really what he had been expecting. But, then again, he hadn't been expecting their fears to coincide either. If there was one thing he had learned from his time in the X-Files, and in his time with Scully, was to 'expect the unexpected.'

"I guess it's mine." She said.

Before, she hadn't cared to play this game, the type of game she always hated—she had only said yes because it was him asking, but now, suddenly, she wanted to play. The stakes had been raised and she wanted him to answer her questions. And depending on those answers, she wanted to answer his. She contemplated whether she should throw them back into the [now frivolous talk of first kisses, dates and dances. It's what she should do, she knew, but after it wasn't what she wanted to do. Throwing them back into frivolity was the smart thing to do, and she was Dana Scully, she always did the smart thing. But she didn't want to do the smart thing, she didn't want to close the door on what just happened between them and go on pretending like it never happened. That's what they always did—they let things go too easily, especially she did, never wanting to confront the emotions behind things out of the very thing they had just been discussing—fear.

Scully took a deep breath, "_Why_ do you fear losing me?"

"Shit." He said and leaned his face on his hand.

"Well, that's not quite what I was expecting, but okay…"

"Scully…" he started.

"Let me guess: another question you don't want to answer." She was frustrated. She didn't care how childish it sounded, she absolutely hated playing a game where someone made up the rules as they went along, and that's exactly what it seemed like he was doing.

"It's just that…I don't think it's a good idea." He said, finally meeting her eyes. What he saw there surprised him. In her cool blue eyes he saw a flash of hurt, unmistakable and gleaming, gone nearly as quickly as it arrived, but still there, and he felt his heart pull.

"Fine, whatever." She said as she made a move to pick up her coat. "I'm going home." As she turned away from him she could feel the burn of tears in her eyes and she almost hated herself for it. She didn't want to cry, but she didn't understand.

"Scully, wait…" He said.

She stopped and turned to look at him, "I'm tired of waiting, Mulder."

He turned his head slightly to the side, catching a hint of a double meaning to her words. He looked down at the desk in front of him, "I know." He said, then looking at her, "I know."

She shifted her weight from foot to foot, trying to get the nerve to just walk out. She had pretended not to care for years, she could pretend for a few more minutes. Somehow, though, she just couldn't make herself do it.

"Scully, I will answer your questions, all of them, so long as you promise me one thing."

She sighed, wondering what he would ask of her this time. "What's that?"

"That you won't get mad at me."

She shut her eyes. She shouldn't promise that, she shouldn't promise things she wasn't sure if she could keep. But she sighed again, and reluctantly said "Okay, I promise."

Scully sat back in the chair and Mulder came around to the edge of the desk, leaning on the corner he looked at her.

"Which question do you want me to answer first?" He asked, staring at her intently.

She couldn't quite hold his gaze, she was trying to prepare herself, steel herself really, for what might come. "I don't know, it's up to you."

He smiled, trying to decide which truth to reveal first, knowing that the conclusion was the only place that really mattered.

"Okay. Fine. Scully, I am scared to death of losing you." He began, plunging ahead, "You mean so much to me. Since the day you walked into my office, since our first case, your disbelief and bewilderment, but the fact that you followed me anyway, that meant a lot, Scully. It still does. When I look at you, at all you've been through, all you've lost, all you've given, I'm in awe at the fact that you're still here, chasing demons and ghosts and memories with me. A lesser person would have left long ago—but not you. Your rationalism keeps me grounded, it makes me work for everything, and I love that. Losing you scares the hell out of me because over the years I've come to rely on you, Scully, to depend on you, and to trust you and no one else—without you, I would be lost. But what's more is that without you I'd be broken." He searched her face, and saw tears welling in her eyes. Classily, she blinked them back. They sat in silence for a moment, Mulder ruminating over what this final purging would mean.

She smiled at him. "I'd be broken without you too, Mulder." she said, finally.

"Is that why you're scared of losing me, Scully?" He asked tentatively.

"Yes…" she trailed off.

Sensing there was more, he prompted, "And…"

She turned her head slightly to the side, glanced at her hands making circles in her lap, and then looked at him again. She shook her head slightly, almost imperceptibly, but he caught it nonetheless. "Mulder…I can't." she finished with a slight inclination of her head. He had all but said it, but for her that wasn't quite enough.

He nodded his head, understanding her in a way that always amazed, pleased and occasionally frustrated her. "Okay. Maybe you need to hear the answer to the first question, then."

She felt her breath catch in her throat as her stomach began to churn.

Mulder inhaled sharply. "It's been _years_ since I've had a girlfriend, Scully. Not since before I met you, actually. In the beginning I told myself it was just because I hadn't met anyone, that's why I wasn't dating. Later the reason shifted to no downtime, I was always working, and I told myself that that was the reason I hadn't asked anyone out. And then, eventually, I did ask someone out. She was nice, and we went out twice, but there was something about her that just wasn't right."

Scully closed her eyes and winced a little at this, she hated even the thought of him being with someone else.

"I stopped seeing her after our second date without really giving her a reason. Mainly because I didn't know the reason. Well, more accurately, I didn't want to acknowledge the reason. The reason itself I'd known for awhile" He said shifting his weight from one foot to another. "Do you know the reason?"

Scully shook her head. "No." she said, her voice coming out a bit raspier than she had intended. She cleared her throat and tried again. "No, I don't."

He looked at her and cocked his head to the side. She arched her eyebrow in return.

"I think you do know." he said softly, "But I'm going to tell you anyway." He smiled then. "You're the reason, Scully." He gauged her reaction, but she gave nothing away—she hid the fact that she was breathless and speechless. "Like I said, you're my best friend. But when I sat down to examine my love life, when I made myself really look at the reason I had become so closed off to the possibility of loving a woman, I realized, years ago, that I was unwilling to do that because I was unable. Scully, I haven't had a girlfriend in years because if I were to have one, I'd only be cheating on her by being in love with you." He said it so casually, so bluntly, that it took a moment for his phrase to register.

He knew the moment it did because her blue eyes widened, and the tears reappeared. She gasped slightly, manipulating her mouth into a small 'o' shape.

"Mulder, I…" she began, but couldn't find the words.

"Scully, remember, I told you that you couldn't get mad at me. You promised."

She shook her head lightly, "Mulder, why on earth would I be mad at you?"

"Because I've just told you that I've been pining for you for _years_."

"You're right. I should be mad at you."

He raised his eyebrows.

"I should be mad as hell at you for never telling me this before. Why did you never tell me this before?" she asked, her eyes still clouded.

"I didn't think you'd want to hear it, Scully. I mean, you're you and I'm…me."

She furrowed her brow, not quite sure she understood completely but getting the gist. "I don't know why you say things like that. I don't know why you would think that I wouldn't want to hear it."

"So then you did want to hear it?"

"Mulder…" she said tenderly, "forget all your theories and conspiracies and little green or grey men. I've been listening to you for years on end, and what you just said to me is the _only_ thing I've wanted to hear for years."

"Scully…" he started, unable to form words big enough for what he wanted to say. Silence fell over the room before he pushed himself from the desk and knelt down beside her chair. Looking at her tenderly he brushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear before stroking her cheek gently. "Scully…" he said again.

The way he said her name brought tears to her eyes yet again, and she brought her hand to the side of his face, running her thumb along his cheekbone.

He stared at her face for a moment more before closing the distance between their mouths. His lips met hers, and all at once they seemed to melt together—years of hoping, wishing, dreaming, and wanting culminating in the basement where it all began. The kiss was tender, not completely free of desire, both could feel the latent passion just beneath the surface, but this was neither the time nor the place for pure desire. That would come later. This was a kiss meant to cement the bonds they shared, frivolous and otherwise, it was an introduction. Mulder deepened the kiss and it was like they were meeting for the first time on a different plane—if asked to describe it neither would be able to quite place it except to say that it felt like a handshake, only more familiar and intimate—the most pleasant and basic of introductions on which a foundation was to be built. For that's exactly what this first kiss was—a solid foundation—an introduction and acknowledgement of love.

Finally, when the meeting was over, they separated, still maintaining eye contact.

Neither said a word for what seemed like an eternity before Scully finally spoke.

"Mulder," she started, the rasp thicker than ever in her voice, her eyes clouded with the remnants of the kiss they shared "I'm afraid of losing you because I'm in love with you too. It feels like I always have been."

He smiled. "I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that."

He rose from his kneeling position and offered her his hand; she accepted and rose to meet his chest. He enveloped her in a hug and pressed his lips to the top of her head. Then he grabbed her coat and took her by the hand, leading her out of the basement with his hand in its familiar position on her lower back. She looked up at him as she passed him to exit the basement office, and smiled at the tenderness evident on his face.

He shut the door behind him and took her hand once more as they walked down the hall.

"Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for playing 20 questions with me."

She laughed "Anytime, Mulder… anytime." she said as she squeezed his hand.

He squeezed back. "Now…" he said, a gleam in his eye, "what was it you were saying about a nice hot bath….?"

-----------------------------------------------------------

The End.

-Natalie


End file.
